Dreams of My Brothers: A Reunion Story
I would sneak into the little wooden desk in the front room of our house. I would try to quietly open the desk and the zippered blue pouch which contained my non-identifying information. I did not really know why I was feeling secretive. I just felt like it was a secret.
I would review the information on the one sheet confirming I am adopted. The people it listed are my biological relatives. I have two brothers who are full brothers to me; I have a half sister on the maternal side.
I would read that my mother had been hospitalized numerous times. That she had a possible seizure disorder. I have two aunts and an uncle. My grandparents are in good health. My mother liked art, reading, dance, and music.
The brothers were very close to my age. My sister ten years my senior.
I would dream mostly about the brothers, occasionally about the sister and us all meeting up at some cabin home.
As I grew older the brothers would grow older with me. In my dreams they had full fledged personalities and their looks were eerily similar to mine. Two older boys with variations of my facial features.
By the time I was in late high school and college I was dreaming of them as if we lived in a shared home. The brother closest to my age was bi or gay, he had a male partner at the time, an Asian guy with punk looking hair cuts and bright colored dyes. Usually greens and purples. That is how detailed the dreams were about them. I had come up with partners and hobbies for them, likes and dislikes, interests, passions, and individual style.
I specifically remember a dream about my brothers where we are in this big master bedroom of our house and my oldest brother and the one closet to my age are both there. The boyfriend of my brother is present as well. We are playing loud metal music and my brother puts his boyfriend on his back piggyback and we’re dancing around killing time before going to some concert all together.
The best of friends.
Fast forward to real life 2019. My brothers, the two I dreamt about, are not in my life in the least. One has had no contact with me, people who are close with him will not help me connect with him. He is most certainly sick and has had problems and I’d like to be there for him in some way.
The younger of the two moved to Florida since I last talked to him. He was my third biological contact I was able to make. He and I had long interesting conversations for a decent amount of time. We tried videochats numerous times and I enjoyed speaking with him that way especially because I could see some of our similarities. The way he spoke, the rhythm, the way he moved his hands to explain things was similar to me.
I felt like out of all my siblings he and I had maybe the most in common. We probably have read more similar books, liked more similar music, politically would be more similar, and were maybe even socially the most similar. I figure that if his friends met my friends, they would be able to carry a conversation easily and come away saying that they enjoyed their time together.
But, here I am post reunion, and at some point he quit answering calls. He continued to read my texts, but wouldn’t send a reply. I know he read them because it was through facebook messenger, where you can see that it has been viewed.
I sent him a goodbye for now text. Telling him that I loved him most importantly, because I always had. The kind of longing I had to know him and our brother especially just came with a big dose of love that was unconditional. I’m at a place now though, that it hurt too much to continue sending messages in hopes I would hear back. I decided if he wanted to talk, he had both my email and phone number and he could utilize those methods to get in touch.
At one time we were discussing meeting up. We talked about locations. I could come there, you could come here. We then discussed the possibility of meeting somewhere for a vacation, like New York, or some other destination. I thought it would be neat for neither of us to feel we had to host the other, and to share new experiences in a place we could both enjoy. TO bond over it together. See a musical together, eat in new restaurants, and so on.
I do not believe that I clung to an identity that my dreams made up for him or our brother at all. I am fully aware also that I do not know him except for the conversations we had, which to me were very meaningful. I felt that I could talk to him about just about anything. It felt open and caring.
I hope always that he will return to my life.
I write all of this because, I dreamt about him again. This time, it was the him I have met (still not in person but by phone and videocall).
I saw him laughing and enjoying himself and he hugged me at one point. It felt natural and like it was regular. Like he had been in my life for a long time and was consistent at that point. Yet, my adoptive family did not understand. They were perturbed in some way. Still, we did not care because our relationship as siblings had grown and we were comfortable even if others were not.
This is how I would like it to be. There is a discomfort when someone you care for is out of reach. I’m not sure what the reason is, there was no argument or particular thing that stands out. Maybe he just wants to live without thinking about the adoption aspect of his life. I cannot know what led to this.
Whatever it is, I enjoyed that dream. I wish real life was more like it. I hope one day it is. Mostly, I would just like to know how he is doing and learn more about him. Here I continue to be, longing to be his friend foremost, rather than a distant long lost sister only found for a brief time.
Adoption is many things to many people. It does come with losses. In its essence, it is loss. It is also a meeting and union of families otherwise not related. I am personally thankful for my adoptive family for many reasons. Still, I long for my biological siblings and my biological parents too.
This week I should be video chatting with my biological mother and the eldest sister who was also in my dreams. My sister has been a bright light through much of this and very helpful in getting me in contact with our mother. It is not an easy thing to navigate by any means. The reason for our adoptions are difficult, yet I think it is necessary to face those reasons and to consider helping others that are dealing with similar challenges.
Some people open the door to biological reunion and shut it again rather quickly. I feel it necessary to keep the door open for my siblings. My door is staying open. I am thankful for the open doors I have found. Even those that were only open for a window of time. I will hopefully and patiently wait for more doors to open, yet I will try to understand the complexities of why they may not.
Until then, I will have dreams of my brothers.
P.S.: Please write me at Meag@ThisAdopteeJourney.com if you have a story that needs writing!